The Five Love Languages

It seems that I've been recommending The Five Love Languages a lot lately. In print for almost 15 years, this relationship classic by Gary Chapman continues to help improve relationships with the ones we love -- whether husbands and wives, parents and children, or close friends -- this book's wisdom has stood the test of time.

Dr. Chapman has identified the five ways in which each of us speak and receive love. They are:

• Quality Time
• Words of Affirmation
• Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

Quality Time involves focused attention on the other person -- maintaining eye contact, active listening, and resisting the urge to multi-task. I mention this one first because it's my own love language. After 20 years, my husband has finally figured out that spending time with me (not while reading the newspaper or working on the computer) is the best way to make me feel loved. Of course, I enjoy all the other love languages as well, but quality time is the one I can't live without.

Some people prefer Words of Affirmation as a way to be shown love. Telling your spouse how much you appreciate them, encouraging them, and general words of praise and acceptance all show your love. One of our close friends identified words of affirmation as his love language because he recognizes that it was the one thing he didn't receive from his father while growing up. Knowing this, his wife is able to keep his love tank full.

If Gifts is your spouse’s love language, then you need to understand that for them, gifts are not simply material objects — they are expressions of your love. My youngest son thrives on gifts. It doesn't matter the size or cost, just knowing that I thought about him and made a special effort to pick out something he would enjoy really fills up his love tank.

If your spouse’s love language is Acts of Service, they will appreciate your help more than anything. This is my husband's love language. For years we didn't understand this and I would want him to come sit on the sofa with me after dinner, but he would be busy cleaning up the dinner dishes. I know, most women would think this was wonderful (and I have grown to appreciate this in him), but for me, it was more important that he come spend time with me. However, just as he has learned the importance of spending time with me, I now understand how much acts of service speak love to him and I intentionally think of things I can do for him.

Finally, for some people, Physical Touch is their love language. Please note that this is "non-sexual" touch. A simple touch on the arm, hug or backrub will convey your love to them. One author confessed how much she enjoys her husband's hand on the small of her back when they're walking. It makes her feel special. One of my older sons has always responded well to physical touch. Even now as a young man, he asks for a hug every time he sees me.

"I am convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile," concludes Dr. Chapman. "Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse's primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage."

If you're looking to improve your relationship with someone you love, you must read this book! There have been several spin-offs over the years as the original was written exclusively about the marriage relationship, but once you read and understand the concepts you can apply them to any relationship.