Is There Really A Difference Between Men and Women in Midlife?

Jenn over at Midlife Heroines writes, "Men regret what they have done while women regret what they have not done at midlife."

What an interesting observation! I certainly agree with her that most women arrive at midlife with regrets...or at least with the sense that life has passed them by. But I sense from the men that I've talked to that they have similar feelings as well.

I understand her point however; she's suggesting that men are ready to settle down into a more conservative lifestyle while women typically are ready to throw off any "ties that bind" and do something radical - like walking out on the life that she's spent two decades or more creating for herself. But I see men doing the same thing.

On one hand, both men and women become more tolerant of their situations, bringing with them the increased insight and wisdom that years of living have instilled in them. On the other hand, however, they wake up to an increased sense of dissastisfaction with the way they've lived their lives and are ready to take action and do something about it.

I believe that a midlife transition is complete when you're able to find the balance between these two frames of reference. Midlife is about sorting out - what you're willing to fight for and what you're driven to change. It's about tolerance, but it's also about setting personal boundaries and no longer accepting the status quo. It's about reaching out and trying something new without risking everything that you've already achieved. It's about being selective and making healthy, educated choices about your life.

Men and women are both charged with this task. They may have different approaches, but it's ultimately about taking everything that you've learned over the first half century or so and deciding what's worth living for and what you need to let go. Sometimes the "letting go" is loosening your grip on materialism, over-achievement, or self-destructive thinking and behavior and other times it's letting go of unhealthy relationships, self-defeating attitudes and personal and professional goals that are no longer viable.

Whether you're male or female, you need to find what's important to you and create your life around that self-discovery. That's what authentic living is all about!

Midlife Women Not Intersted in Sex?

According to a recent Star Tribune article (Minneapolis), "Midlife can put women's hormones in neutral. The article says that gynecologists hear every day from patients who are in the throes of midlife, "Doctor, I'm just not interested in sex anymore."

Okay, I have to admit that I have not gone through menopause yet, but most of the women I hear from have the sex drive of a teenager! Now granted, they may not be interested in their husband anymore, but they're thinking about sex 24/7.

The article says that a woman's lack of interest in sex is "more about life and love than hormones." Hmmm...it seems to me that this over the top need/desire/craving for sex is entirely hormone driven. It's not uncommon, in fact, for women to behave totally out-of-character in developing a crush on someone not even their type.

I do agree with the article, however, that a lot of your intersest in sex can be effected by how satisfying your sexual relationship is...hey, if you're with someone that's not sensitive to your needs, it's not going to be all that great. Maybe that's why so many women seek out the excitement of a new lover...too bad more women can't just reignite the passion in their current relationship.

If you feel "nauseated at the site of your husband's pickup truck in the driveway" (as one patient described), there's more going on than a lack of libido!

Voluntary Simplicity?

Have you ever thought about selling everything and starting over? That's what Lisa Perry, a 45 year old Minnesota woman, attempted to do when she put more than 300 items up for sale on eBay last week - all in a single auction with a $2,000 reserve!

Her worldly possessions include snowshoes, a futon, a bed, a collection of 33-rpm and 78-rpm records (including several Village People records), coffee mugs from her travels and a milk crate filled with seashells. What is she keeping? Her dog, her cat, photo albums and some clothing.

She was quoted as saying, "I don't need it all. I don't use it all. I just have it all. Actually, it has me."

She plans to move out west in June to take up creative writing or holistic healing. "This might be mid-life, but it's not a crisis. It's mid-life excitement," she said. "I've been schlepping this stuff across the country for more than 20 years. I think it will almost be scary how liberating it will be."

Midlife Crisis Only for Men?

I just read this comment in a Chicago Times article:

The midlife crisis is more of a problem for men because women deal with issues more intimately throughout their entire lives, while men will neglect dealing with childhood issues or buried emotions until a crisis wallops them.

Are they kidding? Women don't have time to deal with their issues...and don't take time until they experience a crisis. I am so tired of the stereotype that men are the only ones that experience a midlife crisis! I get emails every day from women who are going through the very emotional upheavel that this article goes on to describe. When is the myth going to end that only men experience midlife crisis?

Finding a Mentor

In yesteday's ezine, I made the comment that women should find a mentor -- someone that you can ask about their journey.

Here is what I wrote:

Do you have a mentor -- someone that has successfully navigated the unchartered waters of a midlife transition? Is there a woman that you really admire for her personal style, inner confidence, and the impact that she's left on the world around her? Talk to her. Take her to lunch and ask her about her life. Ask her about the tough times, the painful times that have helped her to become who she is today. Discover the life lessons that's she's learned and apply them to your own life. This doesn't mean that you can avoid the journey, but her insight will shed new light on your own path.

A woman emailed me and expressed concern that there aren't any people left in this world that are willing to share their own experiences. I have found the total opposite to be true!

I do understand her concerns however. It can sometimes be difficult to find someone that will take the time to talk with you. Here are some tips to keep in mind:

First, identify someone that you would want to mentor you. Invite her to lunch…or coffee! Most people (if they are worth being a mentor) would gladly accept an invitation to lunch or coffee. It does require you taking a risk however…the risk of being rejected. But don’t discount it until you’ve actually done it! You may be surprised!

When you do arrange to meet with someone, this is not a time for you to complain about your life! This is an opportunity to ask questions…so have some questions thought out in advance so that you stay focused. You invited this other person to talk about THEM and THEIR LIFE. You must glean what you can and apply it to your own life. It’s not their job to listen to your problems…they are there as a favor to you to share their own experiences. And it should go without saying that you would pick up the tab!

I’ve been on both sides – the one asking and the one being asked. If you phrase it right, most women will be flattered and gladly accept such an invitation. If they’re very busy, you may have to wait 2-3 weeks, but they will usually find a way to fit you into their schedule.

Afterwards, follow up with a thank you note. Let them know that you appreciate the time that they took with you. You may also want to send a follow-up note a few months later indicating how you've implemented any of their ideas into you own life. It's a huge compliment to know that you've made an impact on someone's life...enough that they took some action based on your conversation.

If a relationship forms and this person is willing to continue meeting with you, that's great! However, she is not a counselor, therapist, or coach...don't try to make her into one. She is just there to guide you by offering feedback and suggestions for what you're trying to accomplish. Keep it short, implement what you learn, and express appreciation. That's the best way to get and keep a successful mentoring relationship!

Study: Women's Sexuality, Self-Esteem Enhanced by Breast Augmentation

According to a new article at WebMD, a University of Florida study shows that women report better sexuality and improved self-esteem after cosmetic breast augmentation surgery.

Cynthia Figueroa-Haas, PhD, clinical assistant professor at the University of Florida College of Nursing, advertised for volunteers in the offices of cosmetic plastic surgeons. Eighty-four women completed questionnaires on self-esteem and sexuality before and after cosmetic breast augmentation surgery.

Overall, the women didn't have particularly low self-esteem or particularly poor sexual function prior to surgery. But both aspects of their lives significantly improved after they got breast implants.

"They were already OK with self-esteem and sexuality -- they just wanted larger breasts," Figueroa-Haas tells WebMD. "They got increased levels of self-esteem and sexuality." Figueroa-Haas bristles at the idea that it's frivolous for women to want to improve their body image. Body image, she says, is an important factor in a woman's self-esteem.

"A lot of people consider plastic surgery a procedure that doesn't need to be done. They say women should stay with their bodies and what God gave them and be satisfied. I don't agree," she says. "This procedure does change women's psychosocial issues. There are differences [in life satisfaction] between people with good and poor self-esteem."

After getting breast implants, women experienced every measure of sexuality more strongly, Figueroa-Haas found. After breast augmentation, women reported significant increases in arousal, sexual desire, sexual satisfaction, and lubrication.

Despite the benefits she finds in cosmetic breast augmentation, Figueroa-Haas warns that surgery cannot address serious underlying issues women may have. "This isn't a cure-all. If you have underlying psychological issues, don't run out and see a plastic surgeon. These issues have to be addressed first," she says.

That's a very important point, agrees clinical psychologist David B. Sarwer, PhD, director of the weight and eating disorders program at the University of Pennsylvania. Sarwer has studied psychological issues surrounding breast augmentation surgery.

"Sure, body image is an important part of self-esteem," Sarwer tells WebMD. "But self-esteem is based on all sorts of things other than body image. It may be unrealistic to think that, just by having breast augmentation, a woman will improve her overall self-esteem."

Sarwer has found that women who seek cosmetic breast surgery have their own, personal motivations. They are not, as stereotype would have it, trying to please their husbands or boyfriends. A woman should make sure it is what she wants. She should not seek plastic surgery under pressure from someone else.

One plastic surgery website states:

Breast augmentation isn't just a step toward changing how you look. It represents a transformation in how you feel about yourself and your body.

So what do YOU think?

A Dozen Quick Ideas to Deal with Stress

Remember successfully handling a stressful situation in the past and let it bolster your confidence to handle the current challenge you’re facing
Break every task down into smaller, baby steps. Tackle the first one.
Stop and stretch – rotate your neck, do a shoulder roll, stretch out your back
Wear one of your favorite outfits, or pair of earrings, or favorite shoes!
Take a 15-20 minute nap to refresh yourself.
Buy yourself some flowers…or a Japanese fighting fish!
Take a brisk walk outside.
Stop tolerating things that aren’t working right -- get them fixed or replace them!
Visit a nearby tourist spot that you’ve never been to before.
Stop aiming for perfection and just do it!
Vent your emotions through writing in a journal, painting on canvas, playing an instrument, or dancing
Stop and smile…it will make you feel better!

Commit Random Acts of Kindness

Small gestures can have a far-reaching impact. Live your life in such a way that others are touched. Each person you touch passes on the kindness and caring to another person, and in this way, your actions have a ripple effect even though you may never know what the end result of your actions will be.

A movie released in the year 2000 starring Helen Hunt, called Pay It Forward, was based on this concept. It’s about a young boy (Haley Joel Osment) who attempts to make the world a better place after his teacher (Kevin Spacey) gives him that chance. The movie’s premise was “when someone does you a big favor, don't pay it back...pay it forward!” The rules were:

-It has to be something that really helps people.
-It must be something they can't do by themselves.
-When you do it for them, they do it for three other people.

You cannot be self-absorbed, living only for yourself, and expect to live an abundant life. By reaching out and making someone else’s life a little easier, a little happier, a little more joyful, you open the door for more abundance to enter your own life and you are able to feel happiness in ways that you could never imagine. As Helen Keller once said, “True happiness…is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."

[This is an excerpt from Bring It On! Women Embracing Midlife]

One of the Worst Things About A Midlife Affair

Okay, besides the heartbreak that you cause your husband, the havoc that it does to your family, and the way it messes with your mind...having a midlife affair robs you of valuable time and energy that you could have invested in discovering and pursuing your passion! I'm not talking about the passion found in another man's arms, but the passion found in using your natural talents and gifts to improve not only your own life, but to have a positive impact on others' lives as well.

Ask yourself, "Who has suffered because I wasn't doing the one thing that I was created to do?" "Who could have benefited if I was exercising the natural gifts and talents that were given me to improve the world around me?" You will probably never know the answer to those questions, but it is mind-boggling to think about!

Everyone that has been involved in an extramarital affair knows how much time and energy it takes. Why aren't we willing to put that same time and energy into something long lasting -- like a new business, or volunteer work, or (gasp!) our own marriages? I encourage you to do some soul-searching today and think about the kind of impact you could have on the world around you. Is your affair really worth it?

[I know this post doesn't apply to everyone, but there's someone out there that needs to read it. If it's not you, please pass it along to someone that could benefit from it. Thanks!]

Overcome Fear and Self-Sabotage

Do you have reasons or excuses for not meeting your goals?

It’s not uncommon to unwittingly stop ourselves by focusing on our fear or by sabotaging our own progress. Our next area of growth is the thing that scares us yet also excites us more than anything else!

Fear causes us to feel helpless, depressed, weak and sick. It is not the event that is causing all the trouble, but it is the fear of that event. Fear of failure can be avoided by not trying, but then we will gain nothing.

You need to develop the ability to act as if the things you want to accomplish in your life have already occurred. This reinforces both your conscious and your subconscious mind so that you begin to react to situations and attract those people who support your goal. Conversely, if you don’t believe or trust that you can and will make it happen, you will remain stuck with your old lifestyle. For some women, staying in their comfort zone while clinging to their fear of change is exactly what keeps them from growing.

See yourself finishing the race, landing the ideal job, being in the loving and commited relationship, receiving the diploma, holding that published book, getting on the airplane, or listening to the applause after your performance. See it in your mind and experience the emotions that go with it. Many a sporting event is played out in the athlete's mind before the game ever begins. You, too, can harness this power in your own life!

Our beliefs determine our experience. Thoughts like “I’ll never be happy” or “I can never win” will manifest themselves in our lives. We can tell our subconscious something we want it to believe, and it will absorb that new thought. No judgment — just acceptance. We have to do it over and over again, however, because our subconscious likes familiar stuff. After a while, our behavior changes.

If you’re constantly thinking, “I’m so stressed,” you will reinforce that belief. You have a choice; you can alter your perception of your world if you put new words into your subconscious, such as “I can handle it” or, even better, “I thrive on this!” Remember, misery is optional.

The first step is discovering what you normally say to yourself. Program your words using only the present tense. If your subconscious receives “I will be happy,” it assumes that this feeling will happen some time in the future. You can change your perception of a situation and your creative mind will help you think of ways to have your dream become a reality.

Dream big, develop faith, acquire the knowledge, and step into action, to get the results that you desire. See yourself achieving your goals and your mind will go to work to make it happen!

Please help support Ryan Gallagher!

I know that this has absolutely nothing to do with the midlife journey, but our very good friend, Ryan Gallagher, has made it to the second round of CMT's Music City Madness music video competition.

Monday, March 5, is the last day to vote before we see who moves on to Round 3. Like American Idol, this is a fan and "viewer supported" competition. Ryan is an awesome young man with a very promising future and music career ahead of him. Please take a minute to go check out Ryan's video and if you like what you see and hear, please vote for him!

[Ryan's name is fourth from the bottom on the left side. Click on it to hear his video. You can vote as many times as you'd like. ]

I know that I started out by saying that this post didn't have anything to do with midlife, but in a way, it does. How many of us didn't pursue our dreams when we were 18 years old? How many of us wish we'd had the courage to "go for it?"

Ryan is just embarking on his journey into adulthood, but it's not too late for us! What dream do you still have? What are the fears holding you back from "going for it?" What is the life you're missing out on by staying in your comfort zone? Is 2007 the year that you step out and make it happen? You can do it!!!

Midlife is a Great Time to Stay Active!

It's been 25 years since I've been on a ski slope, but today my husband and I took our four teenagers to Caberfae -- a ski resort about an hour and a half drive north of us. The windchill was a little nippy on the ski lift, but otherwise it was a gorgeous, sunny day.

It was the first time our kids had been skiing and, in fact, two of the boys opted to try snowboarding instead. They took quite a few spills, but the smiles on their faces meant they were having a great time. And my daughter, a natural athelete, took to skiing like any new sport she tries!

I'm not sure I'm ready to go out and buy ski equipment for all of us quite yet, but it was fun to share this new experience with our kids and have another day of special family memories to look back on as they get older.

On one trip up the lift, my daughter exclaimed over the beauty of the sunset and was initially disappointed that we had neglected to bring a camera. Before I had a chance to respond, however, she quickly added, "It's okay, Mom. Not every Kodak moment can be captured with a camera -- some are so valueable that they can only be captured with your heart." Now that's a lot of wisdom for a 13 year old!

So what activities did you used to enjoy that you've neglected for many years? Bike riding? Rollerblading? Hiking? It's important to stay active and there's no better way than to spend time outdoors. I challenge you to pick one outdoor activity and commit to trying it again -- even more fun if you can find a kid or young adult to share it with!

Midlife Is A Great Time to Pursue Your Passions -- And Discover What Really Excites You!

Create space in your life for greater self-expression and creativity — passionate pursuits in which you get lost in what you really love. What excites you so much that you can’t wait to get out of bed in the morning?

You may have thought your secret wish to write a children’s book or learn country dancing was silly and pushed it to the back recesses of your mind. It may be that you want to learn how to play the guitar, take a pottery class, or write your own screenplay. Most of us have something that we have always wanted to do, or have a talent for.

Maybe you daydream about hiking in the woods and sketching in a nature journal or maybe you have always wanted to learn Italian. Revisit the activities you enjoyed as a child — playing the flute, bike riding, canoeing, ice skating, skiing — all the things you used to love, but as an adult, never felt you had time for.

Is there something you’ve thought about doing, but never thought you’d be capable of trying? Whether it’s running a marathon, horseback riding, or becoming a clown, call on your courage and take the first step. Make the phone call, schedule the lesson, buy the supplies — whatever steps are required to convince your subconscious that you are serious about focusing on that goal. Stop making excuses!

There is no greater tragedy than to find yourself at the end of your life regretting that you never dared to explore your true passions. When you’re doing what you love, your work improves, you’re more productive, and you have more energy to direct toward other areas of your life. Pursuing what you enjoy inspires and renews you. It makes you feel alive.

[Excerpted from Bring It On! Women Embracing Midlife]

Childhood Dreams & Secret Ambitions

One of the exercises I like to use with my coaching clients (and also included in New Horizons) is to have you do an overview of your life. Break down your life by decades and write a short, descriptive paragraph about each one from birth to your current age. Then, looking back over your life, identify key turning points that have helped shape who you are today. Reflecting back on your childhood, what were your dreams and secret ambitions?

Doing this exercise myself, I realized that a summer spent reading Beverly Gray Mysteries had a powerful impact on my life. Growing up, I spent every summer at my grandparent's house because my parents both worked. Before you start feeling sorry for me, however, you need to realize that my "Nana" and 'Paw Paw" lived on the largest recreational lake in Indiana. My days were spent swimming, waterskiing, playing water tag, bike riding to the candy store, and swinging on an old rope swing. The mild summer evenings involved catching fireflies in glass jars, playing tag in the dark, and telling ghost stories under the big oak tree.

Despite having what I thought at the time to be an unreasonable amount of yardwork and household chores to help my grandparents, I still managed to spend a great deal of time with my nose in a book. One summer I discovered the Beverly Gray Mystery series that my mother had read as a child. The main character led the exciting life of a newspaper reporter who traveled to exotic places and led what I thought at the time to be the ideal lifestyle.

I loved writing and traveling to all corners of the world held an incredible amount of intrigue for me. Unlike the author that penned these exciting tales, Beverly Gray never got married (at least not by the conclusion of the last book in the series). I was sure that this would be the path that my own life took as well. However, that was not to be the case. At 22, I met my husband and five children later, I haven't solved a single international mystery and my sleuthing has been reduced to uncovering who left the freezer door open all night when none of the occupants of the house admit to doing it.

Am I bitter? Not at all! I love my family and the less-than-fairytale life that we lead. But when I first made this realization, it helped me to clarify my vision for the life I wanted to create after the full-time responsibilities of motherhood were no longer part of my daily reality.

I did, in fact, work as a reporter for a short time when I was younger and have no desire to include newspaper work in my future. But writing is still a part of my every day life and I know that it always will be. One clue that I had from revisiting this childhood dream was that I never want to "retire" in the traditional sense of the word. I know that in a few short years, I will have the freedom to travel and speak around the world -- and hopefully before I'm Jessica Fletcher's age! Although Angela Lansbury's character in the 1980's TV show, Murder, She Wrote, certainly seems to be a positive image of the kind of adventurous life I still have to look forward to!!

The Challenge for Midlife Women

Your challenge is to find ways to perform the critical inner work of exploring your thoughts and dreams, while continuing to carry on with your daily responsibilities. Basically, you must learn to run on two tracks at the same time. You must learn to live in a state of continual uncertainty until eventually one or two choices become clear as the next step to take -- and the vision stage begins!

To help you accomplish this:
1. Carve out time to be alone with your thoughts
2. Journal what you're thinking and feeling
3. Slow down to appreciate the special moments of each day
4. Reach out to others for support
5. Discover a creative outlet
6. Get out in the fresh air and nature often
7. Make daily exercise part of your life
8. Create a vision board

Midlife Marriage is About Persevering

"When you have persevered through the more difficult times and have created something really special, it is worth all the effort." -- Michael Webb







Sign up for his newsletter "Secrets of Blissful Relationships at:
http://www.theromantic.com/

First Signs of a Female Midlife Crisis (According to the Guys)

After polling over 250 husbands, here's what they said were the first signs that their wives were having a midlife crisis:

1. She is very depressed and withdrawn – she says she is unhappy and feels lost and empty inside
2. She is discontent and bored with her life and our marriage – she wants a new life which doesn’t include me
3. She is emotionally detached and doesn’t enjoy any of the activities we used to do together
4. She says that she loves me but she’s not “in love with me” – she has cut me off emotionally and physically
5. She says that she feels a lack of personal fulfillment and is not sure if she wants to be a wife and mother anymore – she thinks about running away
6. She says she is "going through something" and wants to "take a break and find herself” – she says she needs time and space to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life
7. She wants her freedom and independence – she wants to be on her own and make her own decisions
8. She has lost a lot of weight, goes to the gym daily and has become obsessive about exercising
9. She pays more attention to her appearance, always looking in the mirror, and is very pleased when people tell her she looks ten years younger than she is
10. She had a breast augmentation (nose job, tummy tuck, etc.), her teeth capped and permanent cosmetics
11. She goes on uncontrollable and random spending sprees – she bought herself a whole new, younger looking wardrobe
12. She dresses provocatively and acts very flirtatious – she is constantly seeking attention from other men
13. She had an affair with a co-worker (personal trainer, son's soccer coach, old flame, guy she met in a bar, etc.)
14. She bought a shiny new, red BMW convertible
15. She focuses only on herself and is acting extremely selfish
16. She is angry and irritable all the time, and becomes easily agitated over little things
17. She is sarcastic with one cut down after another, constantly looking for a fight or argument and sometimes even goes into a violent rage
18. She spends her spare time on the computer instant messaging people or chatting with guys online
19. She goes out drinking with younger, single friends/co-workers after work and stays out all hours of the night
20. She started living like she was single again – separate vacations, rock concerts, going out to clubs and bars – anything to avoid being at home in the evening
21. She is acting like a teenager!

Do you see yourself in any of these comments?

(Ladies, I’m not being judgmental…remember that I’ve been there myself!)

Change

"Change begins with a single small step, the decision to move rather than stay still, to try something rather than merely fantasize about it. Go ahead, take that step. Feel the energy change around you, within you. You are moving in the right direction." -- Anonymous