Is There Really A Difference Between Men and Women in Midlife?

Jenn over at Midlife Heroines writes, "Men regret what they have done while women regret what they have not done at midlife."

What an interesting observation! I certainly agree with her that most women arrive at midlife with regrets...or at least with the sense that life has passed them by. But I sense from the men that I've talked to that they have similar feelings as well.

I understand her point however; she's suggesting that men are ready to settle down into a more conservative lifestyle while women typically are ready to throw off any "ties that bind" and do something radical - like walking out on the life that she's spent two decades or more creating for herself. But I see men doing the same thing.

On one hand, both men and women become more tolerant of their situations, bringing with them the increased insight and wisdom that years of living have instilled in them. On the other hand, however, they wake up to an increased sense of dissastisfaction with the way they've lived their lives and are ready to take action and do something about it.

I believe that a midlife transition is complete when you're able to find the balance between these two frames of reference. Midlife is about sorting out - what you're willing to fight for and what you're driven to change. It's about tolerance, but it's also about setting personal boundaries and no longer accepting the status quo. It's about reaching out and trying something new without risking everything that you've already achieved. It's about being selective and making healthy, educated choices about your life.

Men and women are both charged with this task. They may have different approaches, but it's ultimately about taking everything that you've learned over the first half century or so and deciding what's worth living for and what you need to let go. Sometimes the "letting go" is loosening your grip on materialism, over-achievement, or self-destructive thinking and behavior and other times it's letting go of unhealthy relationships, self-defeating attitudes and personal and professional goals that are no longer viable.

Whether you're male or female, you need to find what's important to you and create your life around that self-discovery. That's what authentic living is all about!

Midlife Women Not Intersted in Sex?

According to a recent Star Tribune article (Minneapolis), "Midlife can put women's hormones in neutral. The article says that gynecologists hear every day from patients who are in the throes of midlife, "Doctor, I'm just not interested in sex anymore."

Okay, I have to admit that I have not gone through menopause yet, but most of the women I hear from have the sex drive of a teenager! Now granted, they may not be interested in their husband anymore, but they're thinking about sex 24/7.

The article says that a woman's lack of interest in sex is "more about life and love than hormones." Hmmm...it seems to me that this over the top need/desire/craving for sex is entirely hormone driven. It's not uncommon, in fact, for women to behave totally out-of-character in developing a crush on someone not even their type.

I do agree with the article, however, that a lot of your intersest in sex can be effected by how satisfying your sexual relationship is...hey, if you're with someone that's not sensitive to your needs, it's not going to be all that great. Maybe that's why so many women seek out the excitement of a new lover...too bad more women can't just reignite the passion in their current relationship.

If you feel "nauseated at the site of your husband's pickup truck in the driveway" (as one patient described), there's more going on than a lack of libido!

Voluntary Simplicity?

Have you ever thought about selling everything and starting over? That's what Lisa Perry, a 45 year old Minnesota woman, attempted to do when she put more than 300 items up for sale on eBay last week - all in a single auction with a $2,000 reserve!

Her worldly possessions include snowshoes, a futon, a bed, a collection of 33-rpm and 78-rpm records (including several Village People records), coffee mugs from her travels and a milk crate filled with seashells. What is she keeping? Her dog, her cat, photo albums and some clothing.

She was quoted as saying, "I don't need it all. I don't use it all. I just have it all. Actually, it has me."

She plans to move out west in June to take up creative writing or holistic healing. "This might be mid-life, but it's not a crisis. It's mid-life excitement," she said. "I've been schlepping this stuff across the country for more than 20 years. I think it will almost be scary how liberating it will be."

Midlife Crisis Only for Men?

I just read this comment in a Chicago Times article:

The midlife crisis is more of a problem for men because women deal with issues more intimately throughout their entire lives, while men will neglect dealing with childhood issues or buried emotions until a crisis wallops them.

Are they kidding? Women don't have time to deal with their issues...and don't take time until they experience a crisis. I am so tired of the stereotype that men are the only ones that experience a midlife crisis! I get emails every day from women who are going through the very emotional upheavel that this article goes on to describe. When is the myth going to end that only men experience midlife crisis?

Finding a Mentor

In yesteday's ezine, I made the comment that women should find a mentor -- someone that you can ask about their journey.

Here is what I wrote:

Do you have a mentor -- someone that has successfully navigated the unchartered waters of a midlife transition? Is there a woman that you really admire for her personal style, inner confidence, and the impact that she's left on the world around her? Talk to her. Take her to lunch and ask her about her life. Ask her about the tough times, the painful times that have helped her to become who she is today. Discover the life lessons that's she's learned and apply them to your own life. This doesn't mean that you can avoid the journey, but her insight will shed new light on your own path.

A woman emailed me and expressed concern that there aren't any people left in this world that are willing to share their own experiences. I have found the total opposite to be true!

I do understand her concerns however. It can sometimes be difficult to find someone that will take the time to talk with you. Here are some tips to keep in mind:

First, identify someone that you would want to mentor you. Invite her to lunch…or coffee! Most people (if they are worth being a mentor) would gladly accept an invitation to lunch or coffee. It does require you taking a risk however…the risk of being rejected. But don’t discount it until you’ve actually done it! You may be surprised!

When you do arrange to meet with someone, this is not a time for you to complain about your life! This is an opportunity to ask questions…so have some questions thought out in advance so that you stay focused. You invited this other person to talk about THEM and THEIR LIFE. You must glean what you can and apply it to your own life. It’s not their job to listen to your problems…they are there as a favor to you to share their own experiences. And it should go without saying that you would pick up the tab!

I’ve been on both sides – the one asking and the one being asked. If you phrase it right, most women will be flattered and gladly accept such an invitation. If they’re very busy, you may have to wait 2-3 weeks, but they will usually find a way to fit you into their schedule.

Afterwards, follow up with a thank you note. Let them know that you appreciate the time that they took with you. You may also want to send a follow-up note a few months later indicating how you've implemented any of their ideas into you own life. It's a huge compliment to know that you've made an impact on someone's life...enough that they took some action based on your conversation.

If a relationship forms and this person is willing to continue meeting with you, that's great! However, she is not a counselor, therapist, or coach...don't try to make her into one. She is just there to guide you by offering feedback and suggestions for what you're trying to accomplish. Keep it short, implement what you learn, and express appreciation. That's the best way to get and keep a successful mentoring relationship!