Midlife Students Increasing on College Campuses

Who says you're too old to go back to school? A 78-year-old woman from Detroit earned her college diploma at the youthful age of 71! Mildred Meriwether lost her two daughters within two short years and used her grief as the impetus to get the degree in social work that she'd always wanted, but had been too busy to pursue.

Ms. Meriwether is not alone. Over 50 percent of the students in American colleges, universities, and trade schools are 'non-traditional' students -- and an increasing number of them are 40- and 50-year-olds. Midlife students site increased career opportunities, thrill of discovery, and renewed personal confidence as reasons to hit the books again. It all begins with an innate desire to learn and a strong sense of curiosity. "Education is not about the acquisition of knowledge," says educational author, Dr. Gan Siowck Lee. "It's about the development of the mind."

Colleges are recognizing this growing trend of older students and many are going out of their way to accomodate their needs by offering quiet dorms, weekend classes, and separate commuter lounges where they can meet and connect with other older students. Some even offer on-campus day care. Yet these schools are still hard to identify. Carlette Hardin, author of 100 Things Every Adult College Student Ought to Know, recommends plugging "nontraditional student" or "adult learner" into a university website to see what kinds of resources pop up. She says, "If you see links, that means they've thought about it."

Whether you want to change professions, earn a promotion, or re-enter the workforce after staying home to raise young children, you will discover the experience of returning to school is both challenging as well as deeply rewarding.

An excellent list of what Adult College Students Should Know (pdf format) was excerpted from Professor Hardin's book and compiled by Gary Rapp, Director of Adult Student Services, Wichita, Kansas.

'To-Do' Lists: Archaic Time Management Tool?

Throw away my 'to do' list? You've got to be kidding! But that's exactly what Jim Bird, founder and CEO of WorkLifeBalance.com, says to do. "To-do lists are an out-of-date time management tool," writes this time management expert. "They create inefficiencies and add to your frustration and stress in life."

I couldn't disagree more! I know some of you thrive on your PDA's and Blackberry's, but I have a simple system that consists of a 3-ring notebook simply labeled, "Project Management Notebook." This is where I keep an ongoing master list of all my thoughts, ideas, must-do's, and anything else I can think of. Basically, it's a depository for my "brain-dump" and a singular location for all those ideas scribbled on Post-it notes, napkins, and used envelopes.

At the end of every month, I review my list and categorize all my random thoughts and ideas by subject: website, marketing, coaching, publicity, speaking, product development and writing projects. Since I'm also a wife and mother, personal items sometimes creep into my business to-do-list, so I have a separate category for home and family as well. I put a little red dot next to anything I want to accomplish in the next 30 days and create a much shorter list for the upcoming month. Then daily I take out a blank index card (very inexpensive) and write down what my focus is going to be for that day. When I review my master list at the end of the next month, I re-evaluate any items that have more than one red dot after them. If they stick around for more than a few months, I'm probably never going to do them and cross them off the list too.

I realize that this is not the most sophisticated system in the world, but it works for me. I'm able to write down brilliant ideas as I think of them (yes, I do have those once in a while), even if I'm not able to implement them for another 6 to 12 months. I've tried the fancy day planners and even a couple failed attempts with a PDA, but they never worked the way my brain thinks. Maybe I'm all alone out there, but a to-do-list is still an efficient and effective tool for me.

I'd love to hear your comments!

By the way, if you'd like to read Jim Bird's full article, you can find it at End Procrastination: Throw Away Your To Do List and Learn Good Time Management Techniques.

40-Year Old Teacher Pursues His Passion

Millions of viewers watched intently last night to see if Ed Hall (my personal favorite) would be crowned ABC's First American Inventor. The pot of gold (or in this case, a check for a million dollars) was finally awarded to Janusz Liberkowski for his Spherical Safety Seat, but Hasbro recognized the genius behind Ed's electronic table-top word game - the Word Ace - and offered him the resources and support of their marketing department to get Word Ace out on the shelves -- maybe even in time for this coming holiday season!

What inspired me about this show in general (and, no, I never watched it's predecessory, Amerian Idol) was that we were witness to ordinary people following their dreams. With each episode, we heard story after story of personal sacrifice that these inventors went through to get them their two minutes in front of four judges who would decide whether they went on to the next level or back home to try something new. Even the ones that seemed pretty far-fetched were examples of what's possible if you combine creativity and perseverence.

What's your dream? What have you thought about, but haven't yet taken the first step towards seeing it happen? Or maybe you have been pursuing your dream for a long time, but keep running into obstacles. Don't give up! Pursue your passion. Each setback is one more stepping stone to figuring it out. Who knows? You may even be on the next American Inventor!

May 19 is National Bike-to-Work Day

When was the last time you rode your bike anywhere, much less to work? I have to confess that up until two years ago when Steve and I went to Mackinac Island (where motor vehicles are prohibited), I hadn't been on a bike since highschool. I know, pretty lame, huh? After entertaining our friends with a few hesitant and wobbly circles of the hotel parking lot, I got back the feel of it and off we went! It really is true that you never forget how to ride a bike!

We are fortunate to live near a beautiful bike trail that I have since visited several times with my bike -- although I admit that I prefer my inline skates! But to ride your bike to work seems unrealistic. I do know several guys that ride to work daily (even in our cold and snowy winter climate here in Michigan), but c'mon, they're guys! Do you see a woman in her dress-for-success business suit, perfectly coifed hair, and stilettos pumping a bike? To be fair, not all jobs require such attire, but the hair? The make-up? The (how shall I put it?)...underarm freshness??

According to an Associated Press article, "To stay in shape and keep the pounds off, many boomers are forgoing running and turning to bicycling." Frankly, bad knees from years of running, skiing, and other strenuous exercise is leading boomers to cycling which is gentler on the knees. Recognizing this trend, a growing number of bicycle manufacturers and retailers are doing more to reach out to boomers.

However, as roadways and bike trails become increasingly complex and congested, do you know all you need to know to safely ride a bicycle? The League of American Bicyclists, the official site for National Bike Month, has just produced a new brochure to promote bicycle education.

People ride bicycles for all sorts of reasons, from better health to saving money on fuel. Additionally, bicycling helps the environment, allows you to escape from the endlessly clogged American roads -- and, "It's a lot of fun!" claims a 57-year-old devoted convert. "It makes me feel like a kid again."

So whether you actually bike-to-work or find more leisurely reasons to ride, it's a good reminder to all of us to dust off our bikes and get moving!

Are "Midlife" and "Menopause" Interchangeable?

I have lost count of how many times I've been asked the question, "How can I be having a midlife crisis if I haven't gone through menopause yet?" (or some variation of that concern). I have a few thoughts on the subject -- big surprise, right?

First of all, by today's standards, midlife consists of the time approximately between the ages of 40 and 60 (assuming that the majority of us can expect to live between 80 and 100 years). That doesn't mean that at age 35 you can't be experiencing a "midlife transition" which, as the name implies, is the period of time during which you become aware that you're moving into the next stage of your life. Afterall, we have the terms, "adolescence" and "pre-adolescence" to describe the transition from childhood into young adulthood. Likewise, some women may not go through an awareness that they've moved to the next stage of life until they're well into their forties.

So what does all this have to do with menopause? According to the National Women's Health Resource Center, normal menopause can occur any time between the ages of 40 and 58, although the average age is 51.4. By this point in your life, you're already in the middle of what is typically thought to be the "midlife years." Now please don't misinterpret that to mean that I think someone over age 60 is old -- certainly not! I think that we need to come up with new terminology to more clearly define the group of individuals in their 60's and 70's with that of people in their 80's and 90's. In fact, we have many more centurians among us than we did 100 years ago when the average life expectancy was something like 48! Lumping everyone into the category of "seniors" just doesn't cut it anymore!

To emphasize my point, a few weeks ago I was speaking at the Passages Center for Women's Health annual retreat. One of the morning breakout sessions was offering a brief introduction into line dancing. Later, during lunch, they entertained us with the dance they had learned. To my delight, one of the participants was an 82-year-old woman. She was visibly fit and it was so inspiring to see her totally uninhibited and having the time of her life! Isn't that great? We don't have to fit into age-old sterotypes anymore of what older age needs to look like!

But back to menopause: How long does it last? How do you know if you're in it? Are there tests that can tell you that you've "arrived" at this stage in life?

According to an article published by the National Women's Health Resource Center, symptoms may include:

• Hot flashes and night sweats
• Irregular periods
• Problems sleeping
• Headaches
• Mood swings
• Vaginal dryness

While other symptoms may be present, these are the most common. The complete article can be found at: Could I Be In Menopause?

So how did "midlife" ever become synonymous with "menopause?" I think it's due to the fact that previous generations failed to recognize that women actually go through a midlife transition. My father's mother simply went to bed for five years because support for women in a midlife crisis didn't exist! It was simply referred to as, "Oh, Mother is menopausal." Menopause technically only lasts for one day!

In my previous post, An Open Letter to A Midlife Husband, I discussed how ours is the first generation where women have the freedom and the voice to acknowledge and express their own feelings and discontentment. With that freedom, however, comes responsibility. We can't just walk out on our lives without any consideration for how it might affect those closest to us. What we can do is use our "rights" responsibly to make constructive use of these midlife years. Embrace them! Use the time of midlife transition to make positive changes in your perspective, carve out stimulating careers, and gratifying relationships. Use your freedom to transform into the woman you were meant to be and not someone else's idea of who you should be.

Whether you're pre- or post-menopausal, use your own emotional strength, inner courage, innate creativity, and amazing intelligence to discover the best about yourself and then find ways to put it to work helping others. The best is yet to come!

And by all means, enjoy the journey!

Christine

The Spa Experience: Relaxing or Stressful?

Yesterday I visited my local salon for my monthly touch up of my roots. (No, I'm not gray, but I never got used to the dark color my hair turned after my pregnancies.) Before my hair treatment, however, I had made an appointment for a facial. Two years ago, this would have stressed me out. What will she do? Do I have to undress? Which mask should I choose? Now, I'm happy to say, facials have become a regular part of my life. In fact, I frequently fall asleep during the neck and shoulder massage!

But for many women who have never given themselves permission to indulge in any type of spa experience, it can be a confusing, if not frightening event. Many of today's day spas have so many choices when it comes to massages, skin treatments, and even permanent cosmetics that the spa newcomer can get lost in a sea of terminology that she's never heard of before. Even simple manicures have turned into a barrage of options from acrylics to French manicures. But don't let it overwhelm you. This article by Paula Story of the Union-Tribune will shed some light on what to expect: "Say Spahhhh!"

The Double-Decker "Sandwich Generaton"

I often refer to the phenomenon of the "Sandwich Generation," but for many of us, it's a Dagwood special double- or triple-decker sandwich!

While I'm in my forties and recently had the priviledge of caring for my 70-something year old mother as she recovered from hip replacement surgery last month, it's Mom who is taking care of my 95-year-old grandmother! In fact, it was due to Nana's congestive heart-failure last spring that prolonged my mother getting her hip replaced when the doctor first told her she needed it. Not wanting to put my grandmother in a nursing home (afterall, she'd been working full-time until her heart problems arose), my mother put Nana's needs before her own.

How many of us are experiencing this multi-generational occurrence in our lives?

The truth is that we're living longer and there's simply more generations on the ladder. As Abigail Trafford of the Washington Post points out, "Instead of one 'sandwich' generation to take care of dependent children and frail older relatives, there are now two vigorous generations in the middle -- young parents in their twenties, thirties and forties, and healthy grandparents in their fifties, sixties and seventies." Instead of expanding horizontally, we're now expanding vertically!

To read the rest of her article, go to: More Meat in the Middle

An Open Letter to A Midlife Husband

Every week I receive phone calls and emails from concerned and sometimes distraught husbands who want to know what to do with their once sweet, loving wives who seem to have suddenly morphed into someone they hardly recognize. They're trying to save their marriages and I want to help. In fact, I have been working on an ebook called, "How to Survive Your Wife's Midlife Crisis!"

Following is a response to one gentleman's request for more information and insight into what he has been experiencing with this wife:

Dear Distressed and Confused,

You've already read Bring It On! so you know that I compare the midlife transition to the transition that we go through as we move from childhood to young adulthood. We go through a similar type of identity crisis, trying to figure out who we want to be for the rest of our lives. It makes us moody. We're uncertain about choices that we've made in the past and choices still to be made. We're discontent as we're sorting out our lives and all the possibilities.

We experience changing roles as our children are becoming more independent and moving on to lives of their own and our parents are suddenly like children now needing our care. Our bodies are changing and the hormonal changes are contributing to constant moodiness and changes in sex drive. (A lot of women find themselves suddenly thinking about sex all the time and fantasizing about people and situations that they never would have given thought to in the past.)

We have concerns about our own aging as we deal with the reality of our parents' illness or death. We start asking, "Is this all there is?" and strongly believe that there's more out there for us and don't want to miss out on the life that could be ours. As a result, we sometimes make rash decisions without thinking things through all the way and end up discarding relationships, careers, and other parts of our life that we later regret. Unlike adolescence, we're often dealing with emotional baggage that we realize we have to let go of if we're ever going to experience the kind of life that we truly desire.

Men have been going through classic midlife crisis for years. Ours is the first generation where women have the freedom and the voice to acknowledge and express their own feelings and discontentment. It's a mixed blessing.

With freedom comes responsibility. We've earned our "rights" but now we need to use them wisely. Most women eventually do. Some end up making irrevocable changes they later bemoan. Overall, it's my belief that women make constructive use of this time in their lives. They use it in a positive way to change their perspective, carve out stimulating careers, and gratifying relationships. They use their freedom to transform into the women they were meant to be and not someone else's idea of who they should be. When put to the test, most women are emotionally strong, creative, intelligent, human beings that discover the best about themselves and use it to help others.

Let me caution you however that this transition isn't going to be complete overnight. In fact, it could take a couple years! Be patient. I know that can be very hard to do sometimes when your wife may be acting irrationally and completely out-of-character, but she needs you right now (whether she knows it or not). This time is not about you. It's about the difficult task of trying to support her even when she may be rejecting you.

My heart goes out to guys in your situation. It truly does. But I can tell you from my own personal experience that the husband's attitude can make all the difference in the world between whether you're experiencing a more blissful marriage than you ever dreamed possible in a few years or whether you're divorced and still scratching your head and wondering what happened.

What not to do? Don't get angry and verbally attack her right now. This isn't about you. One thing you should never tolerate, however, is unfaithfulness. I don't know if this is an issue in your particular situation, but I mention it because it frequently comes up. Men ask if they should patiently stand by while their wife has an affair. Absolutely not! When this happens, I tell husbands to lovingly, yet firmly confront their wives and say, "I love you. I'm willing to forgive you and do my part to put our marriage back together, but I absolutely will not share you with another man. You have to choose." Most women that are married to "nice guys" will see the light and choose their husbands, but even then it's not easy. She has to agree NEVER to see the other individual again! Depending on how deep the emotional connection went, it will take some time for her to grieve the loss of the other relationship and put her focus and efforts back on rebuilding the life she has with you.

Most women act incredibly selfish during their midlife crisis. That's because they're totally consumed with themselves and the task of sorting out their life while continuing to balance the responsibilities of family, work, and other commitments. Some women can't take the strain and end up walking out on their other responsibilities while they do the important work of figuring out who they are and what they want to do with the rest of their lives. This is not a good thing and can have devastating effects on those around them, but it does happen.

Many women become totally consumed with their appearance and spend hours at the gym or the salon trying to hang on to their youth. Don't get me wrong! Exercise, good nutrition, and plenty of sleep are healthy lifestyle changes that many women need to make. Giving themselves permission to pamper themselves at a salon or spa is something many women have been denying themselves for way too long. I'm talking about an excessive attention to these areas. For most women, it's like a pendulum and they eventually find a happy medium.

Understand that whatever symptoms your wife might be exhibiting, the underlying theme is the same for all women: "Who am I? What have I done thus far with my life? What changes do I need to make to create the life I truly want?" Love her. Give her space. Support her. Don't try to figure it out for her. It's a dance. This time she's leading and you're trying to follow. Eventually you'll fall into a rhythm and you'll be celebrating each other's uniqueness while sharing your lives together. No matter what you may be going through now, there is hope!

One more thing - find a support system for yourself. You can't be strong for your wife unless you have some close (male) friends to confide in. Maybe it's family, maybe it's a buddy, but make sure it's someone that's going to support you in being there for your wife and not someone that is demanding you think about yourself. Although tempting, that kind of attitude will land you right in divorce court. Most women at midlife don't need any excuse for ending a relationship. Don't help by giving her one! Continue to develop your own interests and use this time for exploring your own life as well. You'll both come out on the other side much richer and better off for it.

Thanks for writing and let me know if you have any more questions. I'd love to hear your thoughts if you'd like to contribute your comments to the book I'm currently writing for husbands of midlife wives.

Warm regards,
Christine

Andrea Kay Shares Steps for Taking Control of Your Career

Last evening I had the delightful pleasure of interviewing Andrea Kay, Cincinnati's "Best Career Counselor," as part of our Midlife Career Change Teleseminar Series. She shared how different life events can prompt people to start thinking about a new career. Maybe it's retirement from a job that you've held for twenty years, but you're not ready to quit working and desire something that more closely reflects your passions at this stage in your life. Maybe it's a close brush with death that makes you realize that you're not going to live forever and acts as the catalyst you need to carve out a career that is more stimulating. Or you might have simply lost your enthusiasm for your work and some internal clock is giving you the wake up call to start seeking a career that makes you jump out of bed in the morning in eager anticipation for another day!

Unlike a 30 minute sitcom where a woman decides in the flash of divine inspiration that her next career should be that of a wedding planner, reality is that for most of us career planning is a step-by-step process that takes time, deliberation, and a well-thoughtout process for outlining your career objectives.

Andrea highlighted those foundational steps for us from her new book, Life's a Bitch and then You Change Careers. After going through the process of defining your career objectives, Andrea revealed her insights into researching potential careers. Through library research, Internet searches, and interviewing people working in your targeted field, you can discover:

• What's involved in the area you care about and appeals to you most
• What kinds of jobs might exist in this area
• What trends and issues surround the areas you care about
• What's driving these areas in the direction they're going in
• How all this matches up with your career objectives

Andrea cautioned, however, not to jump to premature conclusions without talking to a variety of different people and gathering several different perspectives. If you hear something negative about your targeted field, don't abandon the idea without checking it out. Talk to others and see what they have to say and then draw your own conclusion. But get all the facts first.

When you've finally figured out what you want to do, it's imperative that you ask yourself, "Why would the world care?" You need to be able to explain how someone would benefit from what you want to do. Andrea challenges, "What would contributing your most joyful skills, knowledge, passion and interests to your potential intended audience or entity lead to? What would it result in? Why would anyone care if you did it?"

Then you need to evaluate what changing careers will cost you in terms of time, energy, money, and freedom to get to the next step and go after what you want. There is no easy path. Whenever you choose one thing, you sacrific something else. It's at this point that many people face obstacles that Andrea refers to as "head demons." For instance, "What if I fail?"or "What if I can't afford to do this?" Others question whether they should just hold onto what they have in terms of security, status, finances, etc. Another concern is "What will others think?"

A big and very realistic obstacle for many people is finding the time to conduct a career change. It's not like when you were in your twenties and seemingly had all the time in the world. If you're over forty, you are most likely faced with balancing current job responsiblities, family responsiblities, and other commitments with your desire to explore new career options. The brutal truth is that there's never a good time. Andrea says, "You just have to break it down into small tasks and schedule them in like you do everything else in your life!"

If you have questions for Andrea or want to subscribe to her newsletter, visit Andrea Kay's website for a wealth of information to help you get out of your funk and on with your future!

As always, enjoy the journey!

Christine