The Midlife Journey Blog Has Moved!

The Midlife Journey Blog can now be found at:

http://www.themidlifejourney.com/

Please join me there for "the rest of the journey!"

Your Midlife Coach,

Christine Schaap
www.PathPartners.com

Is There Really A Difference Between Men and Women in Midlife?

Jenn over at Midlife Heroines writes, "Men regret what they have done while women regret what they have not done at midlife."

What an interesting observation! I certainly agree with her that most women arrive at midlife with regrets...or at least with the sense that life has passed them by. But I sense from the men that I've talked to that they have similar feelings as well.

I understand her point however; she's suggesting that men are ready to settle down into a more conservative lifestyle while women typically are ready to throw off any "ties that bind" and do something radical - like walking out on the life that she's spent two decades or more creating for herself. But I see men doing the same thing.

On one hand, both men and women become more tolerant of their situations, bringing with them the increased insight and wisdom that years of living have instilled in them. On the other hand, however, they wake up to an increased sense of dissastisfaction with the way they've lived their lives and are ready to take action and do something about it.

I believe that a midlife transition is complete when you're able to find the balance between these two frames of reference. Midlife is about sorting out - what you're willing to fight for and what you're driven to change. It's about tolerance, but it's also about setting personal boundaries and no longer accepting the status quo. It's about reaching out and trying something new without risking everything that you've already achieved. It's about being selective and making healthy, educated choices about your life.

Men and women are both charged with this task. They may have different approaches, but it's ultimately about taking everything that you've learned over the first half century or so and deciding what's worth living for and what you need to let go. Sometimes the "letting go" is loosening your grip on materialism, over-achievement, or self-destructive thinking and behavior and other times it's letting go of unhealthy relationships, self-defeating attitudes and personal and professional goals that are no longer viable.

Whether you're male or female, you need to find what's important to you and create your life around that self-discovery. That's what authentic living is all about!

Midlife Women Not Intersted in Sex?

According to a recent Star Tribune article (Minneapolis), "Midlife can put women's hormones in neutral. The article says that gynecologists hear every day from patients who are in the throes of midlife, "Doctor, I'm just not interested in sex anymore."

Okay, I have to admit that I have not gone through menopause yet, but most of the women I hear from have the sex drive of a teenager! Now granted, they may not be interested in their husband anymore, but they're thinking about sex 24/7.

The article says that a woman's lack of interest in sex is "more about life and love than hormones." Hmmm...it seems to me that this over the top need/desire/craving for sex is entirely hormone driven. It's not uncommon, in fact, for women to behave totally out-of-character in developing a crush on someone not even their type.

I do agree with the article, however, that a lot of your intersest in sex can be effected by how satisfying your sexual relationship is...hey, if you're with someone that's not sensitive to your needs, it's not going to be all that great. Maybe that's why so many women seek out the excitement of a new lover...too bad more women can't just reignite the passion in their current relationship.

If you feel "nauseated at the site of your husband's pickup truck in the driveway" (as one patient described), there's more going on than a lack of libido!

Voluntary Simplicity?

Have you ever thought about selling everything and starting over? That's what Lisa Perry, a 45 year old Minnesota woman, attempted to do when she put more than 300 items up for sale on eBay last week - all in a single auction with a $2,000 reserve!

Her worldly possessions include snowshoes, a futon, a bed, a collection of 33-rpm and 78-rpm records (including several Village People records), coffee mugs from her travels and a milk crate filled with seashells. What is she keeping? Her dog, her cat, photo albums and some clothing.

She was quoted as saying, "I don't need it all. I don't use it all. I just have it all. Actually, it has me."

She plans to move out west in June to take up creative writing or holistic healing. "This might be mid-life, but it's not a crisis. It's mid-life excitement," she said. "I've been schlepping this stuff across the country for more than 20 years. I think it will almost be scary how liberating it will be."

Midlife Crisis Only for Men?

I just read this comment in a Chicago Times article:

The midlife crisis is more of a problem for men because women deal with issues more intimately throughout their entire lives, while men will neglect dealing with childhood issues or buried emotions until a crisis wallops them.

Are they kidding? Women don't have time to deal with their issues...and don't take time until they experience a crisis. I am so tired of the stereotype that men are the only ones that experience a midlife crisis! I get emails every day from women who are going through the very emotional upheavel that this article goes on to describe. When is the myth going to end that only men experience midlife crisis?

Finding a Mentor

In yesteday's ezine, I made the comment that women should find a mentor -- someone that you can ask about their journey.

Here is what I wrote:

Do you have a mentor -- someone that has successfully navigated the unchartered waters of a midlife transition? Is there a woman that you really admire for her personal style, inner confidence, and the impact that she's left on the world around her? Talk to her. Take her to lunch and ask her about her life. Ask her about the tough times, the painful times that have helped her to become who she is today. Discover the life lessons that's she's learned and apply them to your own life. This doesn't mean that you can avoid the journey, but her insight will shed new light on your own path.

A woman emailed me and expressed concern that there aren't any people left in this world that are willing to share their own experiences. I have found the total opposite to be true!

I do understand her concerns however. It can sometimes be difficult to find someone that will take the time to talk with you. Here are some tips to keep in mind:

First, identify someone that you would want to mentor you. Invite her to lunch…or coffee! Most people (if they are worth being a mentor) would gladly accept an invitation to lunch or coffee. It does require you taking a risk however…the risk of being rejected. But don’t discount it until you’ve actually done it! You may be surprised!

When you do arrange to meet with someone, this is not a time for you to complain about your life! This is an opportunity to ask questions…so have some questions thought out in advance so that you stay focused. You invited this other person to talk about THEM and THEIR LIFE. You must glean what you can and apply it to your own life. It’s not their job to listen to your problems…they are there as a favor to you to share their own experiences. And it should go without saying that you would pick up the tab!

I’ve been on both sides – the one asking and the one being asked. If you phrase it right, most women will be flattered and gladly accept such an invitation. If they’re very busy, you may have to wait 2-3 weeks, but they will usually find a way to fit you into their schedule.

Afterwards, follow up with a thank you note. Let them know that you appreciate the time that they took with you. You may also want to send a follow-up note a few months later indicating how you've implemented any of their ideas into you own life. It's a huge compliment to know that you've made an impact on someone's life...enough that they took some action based on your conversation.

If a relationship forms and this person is willing to continue meeting with you, that's great! However, she is not a counselor, therapist, or coach...don't try to make her into one. She is just there to guide you by offering feedback and suggestions for what you're trying to accomplish. Keep it short, implement what you learn, and express appreciation. That's the best way to get and keep a successful mentoring relationship!

Study: Women's Sexuality, Self-Esteem Enhanced by Breast Augmentation

According to a new article at WebMD, a University of Florida study shows that women report better sexuality and improved self-esteem after cosmetic breast augmentation surgery.

Cynthia Figueroa-Haas, PhD, clinical assistant professor at the University of Florida College of Nursing, advertised for volunteers in the offices of cosmetic plastic surgeons. Eighty-four women completed questionnaires on self-esteem and sexuality before and after cosmetic breast augmentation surgery.

Overall, the women didn't have particularly low self-esteem or particularly poor sexual function prior to surgery. But both aspects of their lives significantly improved after they got breast implants.

"They were already OK with self-esteem and sexuality -- they just wanted larger breasts," Figueroa-Haas tells WebMD. "They got increased levels of self-esteem and sexuality." Figueroa-Haas bristles at the idea that it's frivolous for women to want to improve their body image. Body image, she says, is an important factor in a woman's self-esteem.

"A lot of people consider plastic surgery a procedure that doesn't need to be done. They say women should stay with their bodies and what God gave them and be satisfied. I don't agree," she says. "This procedure does change women's psychosocial issues. There are differences [in life satisfaction] between people with good and poor self-esteem."

After getting breast implants, women experienced every measure of sexuality more strongly, Figueroa-Haas found. After breast augmentation, women reported significant increases in arousal, sexual desire, sexual satisfaction, and lubrication.

Despite the benefits she finds in cosmetic breast augmentation, Figueroa-Haas warns that surgery cannot address serious underlying issues women may have. "This isn't a cure-all. If you have underlying psychological issues, don't run out and see a plastic surgeon. These issues have to be addressed first," she says.

That's a very important point, agrees clinical psychologist David B. Sarwer, PhD, director of the weight and eating disorders program at the University of Pennsylvania. Sarwer has studied psychological issues surrounding breast augmentation surgery.

"Sure, body image is an important part of self-esteem," Sarwer tells WebMD. "But self-esteem is based on all sorts of things other than body image. It may be unrealistic to think that, just by having breast augmentation, a woman will improve her overall self-esteem."

Sarwer has found that women who seek cosmetic breast surgery have their own, personal motivations. They are not, as stereotype would have it, trying to please their husbands or boyfriends. A woman should make sure it is what she wants. She should not seek plastic surgery under pressure from someone else.

One plastic surgery website states:

Breast augmentation isn't just a step toward changing how you look. It represents a transformation in how you feel about yourself and your body.

So what do YOU think?

A Dozen Quick Ideas to Deal with Stress

Remember successfully handling a stressful situation in the past and let it bolster your confidence to handle the current challenge you’re facing
Break every task down into smaller, baby steps. Tackle the first one.
Stop and stretch – rotate your neck, do a shoulder roll, stretch out your back
Wear one of your favorite outfits, or pair of earrings, or favorite shoes!
Take a 15-20 minute nap to refresh yourself.
Buy yourself some flowers…or a Japanese fighting fish!
Take a brisk walk outside.
Stop tolerating things that aren’t working right -- get them fixed or replace them!
Visit a nearby tourist spot that you’ve never been to before.
Stop aiming for perfection and just do it!
Vent your emotions through writing in a journal, painting on canvas, playing an instrument, or dancing
Stop and smile…it will make you feel better!

Commit Random Acts of Kindness

Small gestures can have a far-reaching impact. Live your life in such a way that others are touched. Each person you touch passes on the kindness and caring to another person, and in this way, your actions have a ripple effect even though you may never know what the end result of your actions will be.

A movie released in the year 2000 starring Helen Hunt, called Pay It Forward, was based on this concept. It’s about a young boy (Haley Joel Osment) who attempts to make the world a better place after his teacher (Kevin Spacey) gives him that chance. The movie’s premise was “when someone does you a big favor, don't pay it back...pay it forward!” The rules were:

-It has to be something that really helps people.
-It must be something they can't do by themselves.
-When you do it for them, they do it for three other people.

You cannot be self-absorbed, living only for yourself, and expect to live an abundant life. By reaching out and making someone else’s life a little easier, a little happier, a little more joyful, you open the door for more abundance to enter your own life and you are able to feel happiness in ways that you could never imagine. As Helen Keller once said, “True happiness…is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."

[This is an excerpt from Bring It On! Women Embracing Midlife]

One of the Worst Things About A Midlife Affair

Okay, besides the heartbreak that you cause your husband, the havoc that it does to your family, and the way it messes with your mind...having a midlife affair robs you of valuable time and energy that you could have invested in discovering and pursuing your passion! I'm not talking about the passion found in another man's arms, but the passion found in using your natural talents and gifts to improve not only your own life, but to have a positive impact on others' lives as well.

Ask yourself, "Who has suffered because I wasn't doing the one thing that I was created to do?" "Who could have benefited if I was exercising the natural gifts and talents that were given me to improve the world around me?" You will probably never know the answer to those questions, but it is mind-boggling to think about!

Everyone that has been involved in an extramarital affair knows how much time and energy it takes. Why aren't we willing to put that same time and energy into something long lasting -- like a new business, or volunteer work, or (gasp!) our own marriages? I encourage you to do some soul-searching today and think about the kind of impact you could have on the world around you. Is your affair really worth it?

[I know this post doesn't apply to everyone, but there's someone out there that needs to read it. If it's not you, please pass it along to someone that could benefit from it. Thanks!]

Overcome Fear and Self-Sabotage

Do you have reasons or excuses for not meeting your goals?

It’s not uncommon to unwittingly stop ourselves by focusing on our fear or by sabotaging our own progress. Our next area of growth is the thing that scares us yet also excites us more than anything else!

Fear causes us to feel helpless, depressed, weak and sick. It is not the event that is causing all the trouble, but it is the fear of that event. Fear of failure can be avoided by not trying, but then we will gain nothing.

You need to develop the ability to act as if the things you want to accomplish in your life have already occurred. This reinforces both your conscious and your subconscious mind so that you begin to react to situations and attract those people who support your goal. Conversely, if you don’t believe or trust that you can and will make it happen, you will remain stuck with your old lifestyle. For some women, staying in their comfort zone while clinging to their fear of change is exactly what keeps them from growing.

See yourself finishing the race, landing the ideal job, being in the loving and commited relationship, receiving the diploma, holding that published book, getting on the airplane, or listening to the applause after your performance. See it in your mind and experience the emotions that go with it. Many a sporting event is played out in the athlete's mind before the game ever begins. You, too, can harness this power in your own life!

Our beliefs determine our experience. Thoughts like “I’ll never be happy” or “I can never win” will manifest themselves in our lives. We can tell our subconscious something we want it to believe, and it will absorb that new thought. No judgment — just acceptance. We have to do it over and over again, however, because our subconscious likes familiar stuff. After a while, our behavior changes.

If you’re constantly thinking, “I’m so stressed,” you will reinforce that belief. You have a choice; you can alter your perception of your world if you put new words into your subconscious, such as “I can handle it” or, even better, “I thrive on this!” Remember, misery is optional.

The first step is discovering what you normally say to yourself. Program your words using only the present tense. If your subconscious receives “I will be happy,” it assumes that this feeling will happen some time in the future. You can change your perception of a situation and your creative mind will help you think of ways to have your dream become a reality.

Dream big, develop faith, acquire the knowledge, and step into action, to get the results that you desire. See yourself achieving your goals and your mind will go to work to make it happen!